Benjii The Dog

I recently visited Paris, where I had the apparent good fortune to meet up with a very nice man David. We immediately became close friends and as he was about to become a father of a new baby, he suggested that I look after his dog Benjii for a few weeks. I was very keen, but since Benjii and I returned to England, Benjii has been involved in a number of ‘escapes’ which have made me question my judgement in taking charge of the beast…

1. Benjii disappeared off for three days in which he won the Crufts dog show… He came back drunk and looking terrible with his genitals shaved, being driven in a limousine…

2. I lent Benjii to the people next door, only to find that they had used him to inseminate a herd of goats. They have since apologised and apparently we are getting a horned puppy that can mow the lawn as recompense.

3. Benjii borrowed £20 to go to the pub and didn’t bring me back any change.

4. Benjii disappeared off for the whole day, I think because there’s a woman in the next village on her period…

5. I told Benjii that he could no longer smoke my cigarettes, and he set light to the curtains when I wasn’t looking to get his own back. I’ve had to give him an allowance now…

6. I went out for the day and according to the neighbours Benjii apparently spent the day on the drum-kit. I came back and shouted at him, at which point he went straight under the bed, and wouldn’t come out until I opened him a tin of Fois Gras…